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Edit your online dating profile.

Gender: Masculine / Feminine / Present Tense / Irregular verb

Age:

16-18: Proceed with caution

18-30: Socially acceptable. [Pictures will be used in promotional media.]

30-40: Reaching use-by date

40-50: Last chance saloon

50-60: Unless solvent, need not apply

60+: Why not Saga?

Body type, please select from the following:

Wispy

Willowy

Lightning rod

Cattle prod

Beanpole

Bargepole

Barge

Height:

Knee-high

Thigh-high

Shoulder height

Heads and shoulders above the rest

Do you consider yourself to be…?

Plain, ordinary

Vain; but ordinary

Attractive

Retracted

Meteoric

Divided in opinion (plain)

Wouldn’t like to say (plain).

Would you say you are…?

Not at all

Rarely

Occasionally

Somewhat

Often

Very

All the time

Please give your location:

Family interest (Incest only)

Local mogul (Inbreds only)

Village gossip

Talk of the town

City sleeper

National leader

Green-card applicant

Worldwide lottery

Extra-terrestrial availability

Please give your vocation:

Underwhelmed by offers

Underpaid by state

Underpaid by employer

Professional loafer

Mediocre

Professional irritant

Professional jobsworth

Expanding in every way

Fat-cat, big-wig, “The Man.”

What are the three things your friends would say about you? Select from:

a, Who?

b, Oh, you

c, Kind

d, A find

e A keeper

f, Light sleeper

g, True

h, False

i, Claudius

j, Hilarious

k, Precarious

l, Contagious

How do you feel after filling out your profile?

A bit too old for this kind of thing

Pigeonholed, ironically

Very unstable

Very judgmental

Statistically weathered

Predictably measured

 

 

 

Photo: Edward Hopper, Second Story Sunlight

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